I’m often the token American in a group of friends, which means I frequently field questions about the inner thoughts and motivations of the “typical American”. This is tough because one, I’m not a typical American, (the fact that I’m writing this from Japan is proof of that) and two, I don’t know what a typical American is, exactly. It’s difficult to make blanket statements about the attitudes and behaviors of Americans, because it’s such a large and diverse country. I grew up in Hawaii and then moved to New York in high school, (which might as well have been another country for all of the similarities the two places shared), so I’m usually hesitant about making generalizations.
But today I was once again confronted with an American stereotype that I just had to share.
I went hiking with a group of Tokyo University students. It was a mix of Japanese and foreigners and funnily enough, the topic of conversation fell on friendships and specifically, friendships with Americans.
People commented on the fact that Americans often “come on very friendly” in the beginning stages of a friendship and then sort of disappear. They also mentioned that even close friendships with Americans are very difficult to maintain. If you don’t see the American for a while, there tends to be an “out of sight, out of mind” attitude and those friendships eventually peter out.
This is not news to me. My French and German friends have often similarly lamented about how “American friendships can be horribly superficial.”
This was difficult for me to comprehend at first. How can a society of 300 million people be awful at making and maintaining close friendships? How is it possible for that to be a trait of an entire culture? I found this assertion to be so baffling, that I even conducted research for a statistics class on the topic of cross-cultural friendships in order to gain a better understanding of it.
My research findings were inconclusive (the research sample was too small and limited) but even so, I did interview over 200 university exchange students and found that they all said the same thing:
“Americans are open and easy to get to know… but only to an extent.”
“It’s difficult to get past being just an acquaintance.”
“They’re really lousy at keeping in touch.”
“If you move away, the friendship dies.”
Now to what extent this is all true, I don’t know. But true or not, it’s interesting that so many people believe it to be.
I think a lot of it comes down to a cultural misunderstanding. A lot of the people I talked to (both for the research study and just conversations between friends) were from far more reserved countries, (like Germany or Japan, for instance) and they often sited the example of the fact that American’s ask “How are you?” but are never interested in hearing a genuine answer (if they are even listening to begin with), as an example of how superficial they are.
I think this is due in part to the fact that there is no equivalent in Japanese and German to the “How are you?/Fine, thank you”. People don’t enquire as to your mental or physical health during polite, everyday conversation in these languages at quite the same rate as is done in English, so they aren’t familiar with the practice. I think that probably from a non-native English speaker’s perspective, this could easily be interpreted to mean that the speaker isn’t interested.
American culture is a culture of “stranger friendliness” which doesn’t exist in many other countries. It’s not uncommon to get into informal conversations about sports or your dog with the man bagging your groceries or the woman behind you in the post office line. And I think this friendliness can often be misinterpreted by non-Americans as a desire for a more meaningful relationship.
I used to invite exchange students from high school and college over to my family’s house for dinner or the holidays. With a few exceptions, I mostly did this because I didn’t want them to have to spend the holidays cooped up an empty college dorm. But to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t interested in sharing anything other than a turkey dinner. Did this make me superficial?
Maybe to a culture where this isn’t the norm, yes.
Today, someone posed the question to me:
“Could you call up an American friend you hadn’t seen in five years and ask to stay at his or hers house?”
I answered uncertainly: “Well you could, but that’s not generally done.”
And from my experience, it isn’t.
I remember when I moved from Germany, my friends told me jokingly. “Oh, don’t even bother giving me your email address. We both know that in five years, you’ll have forgotten who I am. Americans never stay in touch!”
At that point in my life, I couldn’t imagine living without those people. And as I tearfully said goodbye, I told them all resolutely that “Of course I’ll keep in touch! I’ll be back in six months! I promise!”
That was three years ago. And with the exception of one person, (whom I haven’t seen in over a year) I haven’t seen or spoken to any of them since then.
So maybe I am a ‘bad friend’. I guess the question that remains is, how much does that have to do with the fact that I’m also an American?
In case you’re interested…
This article was an interesting introduction to the traits (not stereotypes) of American culture (and yes, there is such a thing).
I’m not sure what to think of this article because I found it hard to read objectively. It describes characteristics of American friendships that might seem foreign or puzzling to a non-Americans. I agreed with some of the traits, but not all.
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Another great post!
You made several salient observations and posed a few questions. I wonder though, how many “typical” Americans have foreign friends living abroad?
I don’t know. Not many. Where are they going to get the opportunity meet foreigners abroad? Isn’t the statistic something like only 25 percent of Americans hold passports? And the reason it’s as high is it is, is because they made it a requirement for entering Canada.
That’s odd that some Japanese ppl view Americans this way? I always felt like Japanese ppl fit this stereotype. I have “friends” that will suddenly change their email and not tell you because we haven’t met in a year. Or they will say “Let’s hang out” but really not meaning it at all. Hummm. Confusing. Anyways, love your blog!
Hi Kelsey, I def think people say the same thing about Japanese people. While I don’t have any experience of this happening, my friend says it’s because Japanese people (and I guess this makes them similar to Americans) can be friendly and hospitable towards people at first, (especially someone who’s a ‘guest’ in their country) but they’re not really looking to become a close friend. They’re only looking to keep it at a superficial level.
This is what a friend told me…again, I really don’t know since having a friend ‘break up with me’ (which I read about on Julie’s site – wow, that was so interesting. I’d never heard of it before then) isn’t something that has happened to me…yet.
I think it prob all comes down to a different definition of friendship. I also found through interviewing people in college, that most exchange students (as well as non-Americans living abroad) that out of any society, Americans had the most friends, but the fewest close friends. So while Japanese people (for instance) had fewer friends in general, they had more people they considered their ‘best friends’.
hm. I never really thought about American friendships like that… But when you think about it, some friendships are incredibly superficial that America is famous far. Looking at the movies we watch, a lot of them lack the friends that those of other cultures would really want to be friends with.
And the whole “hi, how are you” thing… like, that’s one of the first things they teach you in foreign language classes; does that mean its superficial in their language when only yu say it ?
Hi Anna,
The people who felt that American’s ask “how are you?” and aren’t interested in the answer, mainly came from people from culture’s where that isn’t used to mean “hello”, like it is in English. When we say “how’s it going?” or “how are you?”, it’s just another form of greeting. We aren’t actually expecting a real answer.
But in some other cultures, they only ask “how are you?” when they actually want to know. Like as in, “You don’t look so well. How are you? Are you feeling okay?” So it’s used with less frequency.
That’s my theory, anyway.
Hm. I have called up/met with people from way back; in my mind it really doesn’t matter if its been a day or a decade. But I think I’m a bit of an exception… I have known of old friends who’ve come into town and who I’d have loved to meet but didn’t call me… Do you think its a bit of an ego thing? (“Oh, i don’t know if he/she would even remember me…”) See what I mean?
What a great blog you have and I just stumbled upon it today:)
Interesting thought…I don’t think that it’s only Americans that are more superficial in making connections and maintaining friendships. File the characteristic of being flaky under “human nature”, all cultures and countries all day long have travelers that are connecting and then forgetting about people…I’ve lived abroad for a few years too and now I’ve been back in the states for years and years. I think if there is a real sincere connection then the friendship sustains!
Super cool blog–
Lulu
One adaptation for me when I moved here was the ‘call (way) ahead and set an appointment before visiting your ‘friend”. For many other cultures the casual drop-in is part and parcel of warm and welcoming friendships. Without a doubt, many take undue advantage of this to annoying end results. On the other hand, Americans aggressively protect their self-interests and personal space and then are ironically depressed about feeling lonely. Chatting with Americans is very easy – never a breaking the ice problem. Deep friendships are however impossible when one is constantly calculating the cost-benefits to the self. Some measure of surrender and acceptance is an essential ingredient.
We are, but in some ways it is a vicious circle. I wouldn’t blame Americans as much American society. How can you change or violate the mores of society? Nobody is interested in friends in the USA, not in any meaningful way. The majority of Americans have 1 or no close friends, which includes spouses. The way Americans consider friends is typically activity partner or familiar acquaintance. If you try calling a friend out of the blue, especially if they are “out of sight out of mind,” then you’re a hassle, and the invitation after 5 years would never fly here either. Like the old proverb goes, “There are plenty of acquaintances in the world; but very few real friends”
HOLY CRAP! I’ve been perusing your blog for a little while now and it seems you’ve actually expanded on a few topics that I’ve been going over in my head for months. This idea of American woman feeling entitled and people not really taking the time to cultivate, at least, a real friendship is just so true! I’m glad it’s been written about to be honest. Because of my own introversion, I thought I was just going crazy or something.
All my real, genuine and true friendships were with non Americans, or recent arrivals to the U.S. who hadn’t become Americanized yet.
Just as American women are a poor choice for dating and marriage, Americans are a poor choice for friends. Basically, Americans only consider you their friend when you’re the one who’s doing everything their way. Most Americans will only be your friend if you let them constantly take from you. Plus, they will always expect you to be available for them when they need a favor, but will seldom reciprocate. In short, Americans are selfish and entitled.