So long Nicaragua….See Ya Soon?

I’m in Costa Rica right now and am scheduled to fly back to California tomorrow.  But I might not be there for long.  I got offered a job as a volunteer coordinator for a Canadian NGO  in Nicaragua.  The pay is decent and the job provides free room and board and get this, free Spanish lessons!  It seems like too good of an opportunity to pass up, especially since it’s the best job offer I’ve got going for me at the moment.  Hell, it’s the only job offer I’ve got going for me at the moment.

That and I’m just not sure I’m ready to give all of this up…

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No One Ever Died of Boredom…Right?

I’ll be flying back to the US in four days.  And I’m afraid.  But not for the reasons you’d think.  I’m not particularly worried about finding a job or making new friends (I’ve got a lot of experience at doing both) and even though I’m not ecstatic about moving in with the ‘rents again, I know it’ll only be temporary.  I’ll survive.

No, what I’m really afraid of is boredom.  I know.  I haven’t gotten over that one yet.  Remember when I was terrified of leaving Tokyo because it would mean going back to the land of strip malls and parking lots? Well, it may be a different year and a different country that I’m leaving, but it’s still the same phobia.

Does anyone else look at these photos and want to immediately and permanently retire to a an iceberg in Antarctica?  No?  Just me?  Well then…

Strip Mall by Ecksemmess

Los Angeles Freeway

One of the my favorite things about Central America is the random, wild unpredictability of it.  I love, for example, that right now there’s a rooster tied to a telephone pole across the street from my hostel.  I also love that no one seems to care or even notice that there’s a rooster tied to a telephone poll across the street from my hostel, perhaps most notably the rooster himself.

I love that the buses here are all painted pink, red or green and that the walls inside are decorated with Looney Toon stickers and paintings of Jesus.  I love that they blast music at ear-splitting levels and that you never have to worry about going on a long journey without drinks or snacks because every few minutes a vendor will hop on board selling hot cocoa in a plastic bag or boiled cow udder wrapped in banana leafs.  You can literally buy anything on a bus.  Need a new TV remote control?  Or a lime green pen in the shape of a parrot with a whistle on the end of it?  How about a pirated High School Musical dvd or an eraser?  Hungry for an uncooked potato or cold Chinese noodles in a ziplock baggie?  No problema.  The bus vendors have it all.  Live in Central America and you’ll never need to go shopping for anything ever again.

I also love the element of danger.  I’ve been robbed and pick-pocketed, had run-ins with flashers and crazed street dogs…It’s been terrifying but in a way, weirdly awesome too.  At a horse festival last weekend, (whereby the entire festival seemed to revolve around drunk men riding horses through the street while drinking whisky and flicking cigarette ash on everyone unlucky enough to be standing nearby) an intoxicated man punched me in the arm with a beer can.  The punch wasn’t hard and the beer can had been empty so it didn’t hurt.  But it took me by surprise and I reacted by smashing my water bottle into his neck.  He fell into a soda cart and the men around me cheered.

I went back to my hostel thinking that well, at least life in Central America wasn’t boring.

Which I worry won’t be the case when I return home.  My mom says that I just need to find a substitute hobby.  Something challenging and stimulating that will make up for the fact that I’ll soon be (permanently?) among people who’s idea of a interesting time involves a House marathon and a 30 percent off sale at The Body Shop.

“Study a new language,” she suggested.  “Take a yoga class.”  But what my mom fails to understand is that there’s no substitute for travel.  I can study aerospace engineering if I wanted but nothing will ever be as intellectually and emotionally stimulating as full submersion into a foreign culture.  Nothing.

And expecting me to be content with trading in the Great Wall of China for the Mandarin classes at the Y is like expecting Christopher Columbus to be happy with trading in his sail boat and the seven seas for a raft and a lap pool.  It’s impossible.

Which means that I will bored in the US.  Clawing the walls, stir-crazy, prison cell bored.  “It’s gonna suck,” goes my daily pep talk to myself.  “And you’re gonna hate it.  It’s gonna be painful and you are going to be. So. Bored.”

“But,” and here comes the part that I pray is true, “You will get over it.  You’ll learn how to be bored.  It’ll be a good experience for you.”

Because no one ever died of boredom…right?

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Alone and Stranded on a Volcano

The Visitors' Center

I’d just arrived on the top of the volcano when it started to storm.  From inside the visitors’ center I watched as the sky darkened and the rain came down in sheets.  Thunder boomed overhead.

“When does the last bus go back down?”  I finally thought to ask.  It was getting dark and I didn’t want to get stuck walking down the volcano after nightfall.

“Right now.”  The tour guide told me, pointing towards a bus that was pulling out of the parking lot.

“What?  But I just got here!”  I ran into the rain and waived to the driver. “Un momento!” I called.

He stopped, looked at me warily and then rolled down his window a crack.  “Este es el ultima bus?”  Is this the last bus?

“Si.”  Great. I’d just hiked five kilometers up through a cloud forest, a vertical climb that had taken me three hours in the boiling heat, only to find out that I’d have to turn around and head back down without seeing much more than the inside of the women’s restroom.

I should have asked for a bus schedule, I thought, frustrated with myself for not planning better beforehand.  Everyone else I’d met on the climb had booked a guide and arranged for round-trip transportation in advance.  I appeared to be the only one who’d impulsively decided that it’d be cheaper and easier to make the journey alone, without even so much as a map.

“Yo necissito un ride.”  I need a ride, I said fighting back tears of frustration that I’d now miss exploring the crater and seeing the sun set over the lake below.   But what choice did I have?  It’d be too dangerous to walk down in the dark.

“Yo no puedo.”  I can’t.  Then the driver explained that he couldn’t give me a ride because I hadn’t paid the 10 dollar transportation fee at the entrance of the park.

“Yo puedo pagar ahora.  15 dolores.”  I’ll pay now15 dollars.   I figured the five dollar bribe would settle the issue, but he shook his head.

“Yo no puedo.”  He indicated to the the back of the bus and said something that I didn’t understand.

“Que?”  I looked the passengers, who were watching me with interest.  There seemed to be plenty of room for an extra person, so what was he trying to tell me?  Luckily the English-speaking tour guide joined in me in the rain to help translate.

“He said that he can’t give you a ride because the other employees,”  I looked at the uniformed visitor center employees who took up the last two rows of the bus, “will tell on him and he’ll get in trouble.”

“Oh, no.” I looked at the driver pleadingly. “Por favor. 20 dolores?” I begged. But he shook his head no, not looking the least bit sympathetic. Apparently I’d found the one driver in Nicaragua that couldn’t be bribed.

I walked back into the center as the bus drove away, tired, hungry and now thanks to wind and rain, cold and wet.

“What are you going to do?” the tour guide asked, looking at me curiously.

“Walk back down, I guess.”

“You can’t walk. You’ll never make it to the bus stop in time. The last bus from the park back to Granada leaves at six.” I looked at my watch. It was 4:15.

“Well there are taxis, right?”

He shook his head, no. “There’s nothing around here. And it’s too dangerous to hitch-hike. You should stay here.” They had an upstairs room that they rented to tourists wishing to spend the night on-top of the volcano.  It’d cost me 40 dollars though and there was no way that I was going to shell out that kind of money for a lumpy mattress when I had already paid for a bed in a hostel an hour’s drive away.

“I’ll take my chances,” I decided, figuring that the jungle would shield me from the worst of the weather. Maybe if I hurried…

“Come with me,” he suggested. He was taking a group of Canadian tourists on a hike around the crater and could lead me part of the way down.

I agreed and followed behind the group as he lead the way through the forest. He stopped every few minutes to point out an insect or explain about a tree or type of moss. The Canadian tourists, who unlike me, had all thought to wear rain jackets and head lamps, excitedly took photo after photo of everything in their path. I trailed behind them, anxious to keep moving before it got too dark to see.

“Are you nervous?” The tour guide asked me as the tourists posed for a photo in a rock tunnel.

“Yeah…” I admitted. “I mean, I don’t want to get mugged.” The tour guide had told me back in the center that he’d once been mugged while trying to hail a ride near the park entrance. If he’d been mugged and he was a Nicaraguan man, what chance did I have as as a foreigner? And a female one at that?

“Well, if you miss the bus…you should hike back up here,” he said, completely serious. I stared at him, incredulous.

“Do you realize how long it took me to hike up here the first time?” There was no way I was going to hike back up. Not alone and not in the dark and in the middle of the a thunder storm. I’d rather spend the night in the forest than attempt a climb when my feet were blistered and my legs felt like jelly.

“Well tomorrow I’ll make sure to stop by your hostel and check on you.” Again, he was completely serious. I laughed, nervously.

“That worries me that you think that’s necessary.” He shrugged and didn’t say anything. And then: “Okay, here’s the path you need to take,” he said as we stopped at a fork in the road.

“Okay.”  I was reluctant to leave the group and suddenly afraid. What if I got lost?

“Good luck…”

“Yeah…Thanks for your help.” I turned and headed down the path and then only when I was a safe distance away, did I let myself cry.  Holy shit, I’ve really screwed up this time. I couldn’t believe I’d gotten myself into such a mess.

I tried to think of a plan for what I’d do if I missed the bus. I figured that it’d probably be best to attempt to walk back to Granada. Hitch-hiking alone at night was definitely not an option and neither was walking along the highway. The odds of getting mugged or raped were just too high. I would have to walk in the bushes, I decided. Either that or knock on a farmer’s door and ask them to call a taxi. But even that was risky. I’d heard one too many horror stories from other travelers who’d accepted a ride in an unmarked ‘taxi’, only to find themselves robbed at gunpoint and then abandoned in a field in the countryside.

“Now would be a good time to have some mace,” I said out-loud to myself. “Or some street-fighting skills.”

But I had nothing.

To be continued…

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Hair Today…

Two days ago I noticed that my hair had mysteriously turned hippie on me.  And not in a good way.  It was long, scraggly, full of split-ends and so dry that if you’d rubbed a handful of it together you might have sparked a fire. In fact, my hair had become so dry and prone to matting that more than once in the past four months, I’d had to cut out a dread-lock.

While Bob Marley might have been impressed, I was embarrassed.  I may have stopped wearing make-up and shaving my legs every day since coming to Central America, but I still make an effort to appear clean and presentable (which is no easy feat in a country filled with red dirt, unpaved roads and 90 percent humidity).

I blamed it on the dollar-store Guatemalan shampoo I’d been using, on the heat and the harsh shower water.  The water tasted like chlorinated alka seltzer and was probably wreaking more damage on my hair than if I’d rinsed it in paint thinner.  But whatever the cause, I needed a haircut.  Desperately.  Which was why I made the impulsive decision to pay an unlicensed Nicaraguan hair stylist US $2.50 for a cut that I could have done better myself.

“Yo necissto un…hair-cut?”  I told the hair-stylist in hesitant Spanish.  I need a haircut.  I didn’t know the Spanish word for ‘hair’ or ‘cut’ so I grabbed a lock of my hair and mimed cutting with it with imaginary scissors.  It was a Saturday and the day before the city of Granada’s annual independence day celebration.  Every hair salon I’d ventured into was booked solid and this was the first one I’d visited that was completely empty.  Instead of taking this as a sign, I was relieved to be finished wandering around in the 93 degree heat.

She then said something that sounded like ‘cort’ which resembled cut, so I nodded emphatically.  “Si…Si.”  She lead me to a chair and wrapped a plastic cape around me to protect my clothing from what would become a fountain of falling hair.

It was hot in the salon. There were no windows and no air-conditioner or fan.  Only four, pink cement walls and florescent lighting.  The plastic cape cut off access to what little fresh air the opened door brought in and sweat ran rivers down my arms and legs.  I hoped that the cut would be a quick one.

“Solo un poco, por favor.”  Just a little, please.  I used my finger tips to demonstrate that I only wanted about an inch in length taken off.  She nodded, looking confident and started to brush my hair.  “Y..” I added.  “Yo quiero layers.”  I want layers.

“Como?”  She met my reflection in the mirror and looked at me blankly.

“Layers…” I repeated, searching my brain for a way to explain.  “Un momento.”  I took out my journal and a pen out of my backpack and drew a picture of a face.  “Este es largo,” I said pointing to the longer pieces of hair in my picture.  “Y este es corto.”  I pointed to the crown of the head and the wisps of hair that framed the face.  I looked at her hopefully.  “Entiende?”  Do you understand?

She hesitated, stroking my head and examining my hair critically.  “Si.”  Her face was unreadable.  I knew from reading the guidebook that Nicaraguans are similar to the Japanese in that if they don’t know the answer to something, they’ll lie and tell you whatever they think you want to hear.  They do this to save face.  It can be annoying when you’re trying get directions, find out when the next bus is departing or ascertain whether your hair-stylist understands that you want to leave the salon with most of your hair still on your head.

She started to cut, beginning with the back first.  I picked up a magazine from the dusty pile underneath her station.  It was a fashion magazine that featured Nicole Kidman on the cover.  But judging from Nicole’s wild, curly mane and the appearance of a smiling Tom Cruise at her side, I figured the magazine to be from the early 90′s.  As I searched through the entire stack, I saw that they were all nearly 20 years old, some of them even older.  Was that the last time this salon had been in business? I wondered.

When I looked up again, the hair-stylist was working from the front.  Holding my bangs in her in between her fingers she used the scissors to cut a straight, horizontal line across my hair.  My hair that only moments before had fallen past my shoulders, now barely reached the tip of my nose.

“No, I said quickly.  I’d gotten my hair cut enough times to know you created layers by cutting diagonally, not cutting straight across.  I demonstrated, holding a piece of hair between my pointer and middle finger at an angle and pretending to cut in a smooth, downward motion.

She nodded and attempted to mimic me by grabbing a chunk of hair and roughly cutting a sharp, 60 degree angle.  Oh my God, she’s gonna give me a mullet, I thought, horrified.

“Um,” how could I say this without hurting her feelings?  “No es necessario. Yo quiero todo iguales.”  I’d like everything the same.  “Yo no quiero layers.”  I don’t want layers.

If she was relieved, she didn’t show it.  But now that the damage was done, she’d have to cut the back shorter so that it would match the front.  She said as much in Spanish, demonstrating how short she’d have to cut the rest of my hair so that it would look even.

“Esta bien?”  Is that okay?

“Si.”  Whatever, at that point I was too hot and tired to even care.  Having the hair off my neck might make the heat slightly more bearable.

When she was finished, I looked up from reading about Melrose Place to notice that my ‘just a little, please’ had resulted in a bob.  I now had chin-length hair.

It wasn’t what I’d wanted, but I couldn’t deny that it looked a lot better than the hippie look I’d been sporting when I walked in.  Maybe she knew what she was doing after all.


My New ‘Do

What do you think?


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Would You Buy These?

These were for sale in the tourist market in Granada, Nicaragua.

I don’t want to make fun of these too much because obviously a lot of time and care was put into them.  I mean, just look at the detail in the man’s Tom Selleck moustache.  And the artist even thought to add a touch of realism by adding the a trash can next to each toilet (in Nicaragua, toilet paper isn’t flushed, it’s thrown in the trash).

I imagine the artist’s conversation with the souvenir vendor went something like this:

Vendor:  None of the tourists are buying your volcano paintings.  Come up with something more interesting.

Artist:  How about a painting of a toucan?  Or a man sleeping in a hammock on the beach?

Vendor:  NO!  No…that’s been done too many times before.

Artist:  Okay, I know.  How about a painting of a man sleeping in a hammock, on a beach with a toucan flying over his head? And a volcano in the background?

Vendor:  No!  I said that we need something interesting!  Something funny!  The tourists like to laugh.  They will buy it if it’s funny.

Artist:  (thinking a moment) Okay…how about a man sitting on a toilet?  Everybody likes a good ‘man sitting on the toilet’ joke.  It’ll be your best selling souvenir, I promise.

Vendor:  (hesitating) Alright…We’ll try it.  But this better not be another one of your crappy ideas!

Posted in Tacky Souvenir Series | Tagged | 2 Comments